Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I look better un-naked...
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
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