So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
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Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
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she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?