I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".