Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america