I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"