He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!