Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
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Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
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I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.