I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend