Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.