He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"