Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
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We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
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Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station