I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine