I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.