I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...