After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up