I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.