Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Kansas (785)

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  (785): View more from Kansas

  if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.

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  (785): if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start. http://tfl.nu/i0wv
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  This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night

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  (785): This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night http://tfl.nu/pu91
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  Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.

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  (785): Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose. http://tfl.nu/r1ga
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  I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.

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  When were you at my house?

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  (913): I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home. (785): When were you at my house? http://tfl.nu/k6cm
  Replies (5) Good night (2769) Bad night (639)
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  I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous

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  (785): I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous http://tfl.nu/ltir
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  God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.

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  (785): God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr. http://tfl.nu/5tpq
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  The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.

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  (785): The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked. http://tfl.nu/4i2t
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  I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well

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  (785): I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well http://tfl.nu/c3um
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??

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  (785): Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail?? http://tfl.nu/azi4
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.

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  (785): Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots. http://tfl.nu/uyhv
  Replies (9) Good night (712) Bad night (1738)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry

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  (785): Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry http://tfl.nu/dsfb
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  Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.

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  (785): Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid. http://tfl.nu/egf9
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  apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man

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  (785): apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man http://tfl.nu/lmge
  Replies (5) Good night (1565) Bad night (442)
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  She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?

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  (785): She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no? http://tfl.nu/2hle
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?

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  (785): She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right? http://tfl.nu/iw36
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