I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???