I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
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Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
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The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.