Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If You LOL At These 18 Tweets, You’re Probably A Terrible Person
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
If You’re One of These 12 Restaurant Customers, Your Server is Definitely Spitting in Your Food
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
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