I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."