dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza