Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now