He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
this is an emotional support booty call