Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
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My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
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Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick