I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
this is an emotional support booty call
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Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
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I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops