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I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
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