this is an emotional support booty call
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
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She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
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I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.