Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
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I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
this is an emotional support booty call
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.