I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
