It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Couch. On fire.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I broke a rule
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night