My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
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His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
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Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I feel like a drive thru vagina