Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas