Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES