I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.