Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Dating After Heartbreak
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.