You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory