He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
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It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
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Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?