burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Dating After Heartbreak
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?