Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor