Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
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Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
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Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.