I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.