My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.