I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW