I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Yup. One sock.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"