I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean