I pour the whiskey from now on
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."