He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low