his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
