Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension