McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0