Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING