Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.