Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting