I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?