He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.