I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.