Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Indiana (219)

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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here

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  (219): Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here http://tfl.nu/huzw
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  I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?

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  (219): I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM? http://tfl.nu/704g
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  "I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."

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  (219): "I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance." http://tfl.nu/fhmo
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  You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.

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  I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said

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  (312): You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'. (219): I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said http://tfl.nu/2r64
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  Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon

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  (219): Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon http://tfl.nu/lp84
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  All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights

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  (219): All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights http://tfl.nu/nkhu
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  My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.

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  (219): My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle. http://tfl.nu/g4yj
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  i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver

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  (219): i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver http://tfl.nu/fqhq
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  Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help

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  (219): Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help http://tfl.nu/bokj
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  Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?

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  Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.

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  (219): Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts? (219): Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy. http://tfl.nu/z832
  Replies (10) Good night (350) Bad night (1099)
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  I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt

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  (219): I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt http://tfl.nu/sk35
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  The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.

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  (219): The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover. http://tfl.nu/mbl4
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  N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..

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  (219): N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever.. http://tfl.nu/4w8h
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  I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.

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  (219): I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night. http://tfl.nu/4hgv
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  Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.

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  (219): Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel. http://tfl.nu/qebb
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