Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.