I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.