I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
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Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
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This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
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Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now