I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.