sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
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Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
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He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...