Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!