My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"