she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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