If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Hippo gnu deer