Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.